My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.