[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
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[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.