Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.