me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.