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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Ferrari squats
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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