A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.