me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Bill is short for Billiam
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If I ignore life will it go away?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”