I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Watermelon Boss!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying