“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
🤣🤣🤣
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Wikigenius
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one