if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
You Might Also Like
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Ha.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.