You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
two people or more is called a problem
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.