I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m giving up ice.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.