*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second