When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter