She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.