This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.