We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*