Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Fidel Castro was alive?
The first one, obviously
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.