Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
You Might Also Like
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
sir, my pâté if you please
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha