Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him