I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.