Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Perfection.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.