You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.