It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
going to the ER y’all need anything
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”