Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ