[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Happy Febuary everyone!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.