pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I told my vodka about you.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.