Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing