Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord