“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”