Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out