Miscakes
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Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
😂😂
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy