Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill