Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
You Might Also Like
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”