My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.