My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies