The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.