WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
You Might Also Like
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad