Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.