me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
There’s only one good girl here!
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah