The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me as a therapist: omg same
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.