Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
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Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo