I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
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[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday