“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”