Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Brb my Sims are getting married
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.