FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
LOL
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.