My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Mmmm canned fish.