“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
You Might Also Like
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.