Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin