Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
this will hang in the louvre one day
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.